In our original episode with Gisela de la Villa, we talked about her experience building her life and career in New Zealand in a very deliberate way. But doing so is not costless, as we discussed. Back then, she said something that really captured a lot of our experiences: when we are abroad, everywhere is far. Today, we dive deeper into this idea, and the emotions tied to it, as part of our bonus episode.
Throughout our discussion, Gisela shares her life updates, which include a new job, a new house, and as she says, better quality of life all around. This episode has plenty of rich advice: from navigating multiple life transitions at once, to the importance of reputational capital in particularly small environments, and proximity of colleagues and friends along the way. Then we go from proximity to distance, and the emotional toll of building a life abroad, far from our family of origin. We talk about the ways in which these changes impact communication (and the lack thereof) and the very common but painful tendency that family members have of hiding difficult news to “protect” us. It is a discussion where we do not shy away from naming the grief, and I am deeply grateful to Gisela for opening up about it.
For today’s reflection, I want to share with you a two-parter on our support systems. Because whether you are an immigrant with loved ones abroad (or even across the world), or you live in your hometown with all your loved ones nearby, there is something to be said about proximity and distance.
First, this is not a secret for any of you: the quality of our relationships, especially our closer ones, really shapes our quality of life and what we can imagine for ourselves. So when it comes to proximity, the question I want to offer you today is:
Who are the people who are shaping your day to day at this time? How are they doing so?
There are two ways of reflecting on that: your first instinct, the person or people who come to mind immediately… and those that come up as you start auditing your daily life and routines. Both count in different ways. As you go through that list, what stands out?
The second part is about distance, and as I said, this one matters even when you are not living abroad. Because even our best friend who lives ten minutes away may only see our faces every few weeks at best (self-referential? perhaps…). But they still matter, and we still want them to be part of our lives. The same goes for our loved ones when we live away from them. Just ask my sister who, after a few weeks of not getting a whole lot of reels from me texted me just to make sure I was okay because, well, she was not getting reels lately (do not worry, I already caught up now). Gisela mentions this same practice in our discussion too, referring to the banter in her family group chat.
So on the distance side of this discussion, here is my offer to you:
How do you bring in those you love into your daily, weekly, or monthly routine to continue building and nurturing those bonds? What nourishes or drains you as you do that?
Going through these questions, like our discussion with Gisela, can stir up emotions and in many cases, plenty of grief. But by naming that, we are also able to sit with ourselves and what speaks to us deep down, what matters to us, and how we navigate the inevitable tug of war of building exciting lives and yet, facing and living through hard choices. Like I say in this episode when Gisela speaks about seeing traits of her loved ones in her, these realizations and moments of self-reflection are also “the gems that allow for us to really still choosing our paths, even if they require these very big decisions and moments that can feel heavy to carry.”
I hope you feel wealthy as you reconnect with your own.
As always, thank you for being here, and I look forward to hearing what this episode and reflection sparked for you. Join me on Patreon to continue the discussion and join our live chats on our episodes and these themes.
See you soon,