Rethinking Gratitude - Part I
(Video version here. Scroll down for written version)
For those of us who are in the U.S., November usually represents getting ready for a string of holidays and events (starting with Halloween), which include Thanksgiving. That sparked my thought process behind this month’s reflection. When I first moved here, and before I learned more about the history behind Thanksgiving, I embraced the idea of having a day where I got to reflect and feel grateful for the life that I have and have built, and everyone I get to share it with. Every Thanksgiving has become that to me at a very personal level.
Ideally, we do not only compartmentalize gratitude into one specific day a year (in fact, if you have met me or read my work, you know that is the opposite of what I suggest). But gratitude is a tricky concept to unpack, in my opinion, because like with everything in life, moderation and intentionality are essential. What do I mean by this?
There is plenty written about gratitude out there. In some cases, it focuses on small steps, like listing three things you are grateful for every day to build a habit (I did this one… didn’t stick). In other cases, gratitude feels like this abstract concept that is hard to grasp. This month, I propose rethinking gratitude because there is a side to it that we sometimes skip in these discussions: gratitude is only one tile in the mosaic.
Gratitude might come more easily to some. I have found myself developing my own sense of gratitude over the years not by routine but by observation. During moments when I am feeling my mind spinning, taking a deep breath or feeling the breeze on my face have naturally followed by a sense of gratitude for that pause and moment. But the truth is that focusing only on gratitude is a disservice to our human experience. Because sometimes we fall in the trap of thinking that being grateful is all there is, or must be.
If you, like me, grew up hearing the “you better be grateful for what you have” from the adults around you when you dared to point out something that you did not like or had a different perspective, then you probably understand what I mean. We were presented with gratitude as a duty, rather than an instinct.
When gratitude is approached that way, we relate to it less from a space of possibility and joy and more from a space of disconnection. It makes us feel like there is no room for any other experience or emotion. “You better be grateful you have a job” cancels your ability to honor that you might really dislike the job, or that the work environment makes you feel undervalued or constrained, and you want something else for yourself.
A statement I have come across multiple times on social media exemplifies this for me is this one: “What a privilege it is to be overwhelmed by the life I once prayed for.” Something about this sentiment feels off to me. Yes, it is a blessing that our dreams materialize, and therefore quite a big reason for gratitude. But it can also feel uncomfortable, challenging, and unsettling when we find ourselves living through them while we update the version of ourselves capable of receiving such blessings. You can be grateful and uncomfortable at the same time. This is true for many other pairings of feelings and experiences, too.
Today, I want to invite you to explore this question after reading these words:
What is your relationship with gratitude? Does it feel expansive or constraining?
In our next newsletter, we will explore what we can do to move from constraint to possibility through gratitude.
